Rain and the Soul Incarnate

Life has taken a turn. I'm not entirely sure if it is for the worse or for the better, but the immediate feeling that I glean from it is that life is turning for the worse. But then again, isn't that what we all think of it? I feel as though my life has been wasted; And whether my thoughts 'pon that are justified or not is rather a matter of opine and viewpoint, I suppose. But here I sit, typing into an anonymous webspace, letting you know what my feelings are. And why should you care? It's not as though my life is important to you. Well, it may be - You just wouldn't know it. I could be everyone. In life, I am the everyman. And here, I am nothing.

I suppose life is an odd thing when you ponder too much on the subject. It's one of few higher-thought theorems that I never reach a conclusion on. I ask myself "Why?" to so many things, and most of them, I can answer of my own volition. But for some reason, existence yet has me baffled. In some ways, I've reached an answer, but I'm not convinced that it is indeed the answer. Of course, the answer to "What is the meaning of life?" is, simply, "To exist."

And as pseudo-intellectual as that may or may not come across to you, that's the best I've come up with. And for all my ponderings, I seem to have missed the boat as far as existing is concerned. I spend my days in front of this self-illuminated box, typing half-coherently at children. Not even to children, but I type at them, and hope that they come across it. I speak, and cross my fingers that someone bothers to listen. And where I'm known, people do so enough. I mean, I make sense, and my logic is often impeccable, and all that. And I am perhaps the best damn persuasive essay writer in the world. But how does one persuade those who don't want to be persuaded? Even that is a hurdle that I cannot cross.

I'm not a man who is easily confused, but these past few months in particular, I've found myself absolutely baffled and infuriated at life and the way life happens. It's what happens when we're making other plans, right? Even the prospect of Heaven doesn't seem to reconcile the things that occur in this reality. My Gods, I'm rambling. Suffice to say, that things don't add up for me anymore. I suppose they never did, but as I spend more time working on the metaphysical hypotheses of life, I seem to spend more time going slowly insane.

I used to feel as though I were the only sane person alive, but now I see that I am just as insane as the remainder of this sulphide planet. And again, I can't find a way to reconcile that to myself. I find it so odd that I spend my days pondering what's right and what's wrong about life, but in doing so, I never have the time to spend doing what's right. I fear that someday soon, I will find myself old, whithered, and ever-more confused, having missed out entirely on my life. I am still young, but what manner of life is there for me to lead? I'm older than most people I know, and I'm even older than people my own age. Not in practice, but in thought. And that's what most of my life is grounded in - Thought. I'm a thinker, not a doer. It's always been that way.

And glancing back at the past decade or so, I can't help but lament every minute of the thinking that I've done. But even as I yearn to enter the 'real world,' even if it might be a bit late in coming, I can only shake my head and think of the plethora of reasons why it won't work. As they say, ignorance is bliss, right? I've been spending much less time in social situations this past month, to the point of not even logging on the computer most nights. I'm not sure what that's indicative of, but perhaps something is changing.

On to relationships. I've been in my current one nearly seven years now. Seven long, trying years. And I just don't think she has the energy to keep it up as-is. I would love for it to continue, but in a manner where the events are ideal. As it currently stands, we've done nothing these past eight years - Spent days together were wasted on trite pleasures, and now that we are absent from each other's lives, I'm not sure where we're headed, she and I. She is a wreck, as am I, but even if we were to suddenly come together and revel in each moment of each other's company, there would still be insurmountable obstacles in our life. And I know that's getting to her, even though I still have the capacity to hang on.

In short, life falls apart for me far too easily. Mostly because the illusions that I project are just that - A facade that I put on for social benefit. I can masquerade about as a conqueror or a hero - a God to some, a Devil to others - But in the end, I'm just a man. Just a man who thinks a bit too much.

~ ø