Preface: I apologize in advance. This is fucking tripe on the highest level. Usually, these are introspective and quite insightful, but tonight, it's just a rant. In all honesty, no one's supposed to see this. So if anything, count yourself one of the lucky few that gets to sit through my insane ramblings. One should be so privileged, right?
Oh, Christ. What an existence I lead. There are really few things that can keep me grounded anymore - I'm sitting here, freaking the fuck out for no reason. Well, almost no reason. And, in all honesty, there's only one thing keeping me even remotely grounded. I saw a picture of my lady tonight, and it absolutely took my breath away. Not necessarily in the good way, since as I stare at it, I feel like a knife just turned in my chest. I literally had to sit here, clutching my chest - in tears no less - just to breathe. I'm still feeling the after-effects now. Oh, God. I feel like my very lucidity these days has been raped from me. I... I can't even think straight anymore. I now know what it feels like to go completely fucking insane, because I'm well on my way. God, I've missed the good - Nay, the best - Years of my life. And I'm holding everyone I love back - Mostly, her. Hell, I've made her miss the best years of her life too. I guess more importantly, I've made us miss the best years of our life. My God, this is horrendous. I've never felt such despair before. I'm not usually prone to this, but the last fifteen months have been this never-ending uphill struggle, where the next plateau is at a greater incline than the last. I am fiercely fighting with my very essence to regain some control over my life. But as an aeroplane spiraling out of control, each moment the plane starts to spin, the more difficult it is to recover.
I don't even know what my problem is - this is all completely insane for me to think on. I'm flipping the fuck out, slowly or quickly; it doesn't even matter anymore. Reminds me of a song. "Just when everything was making sense, you took away all my self-confidence. Now all that I've been hearing must be true. I guess I'm not the only boy for you. But that's what I get." Right? I had my fucking chance, and I blew Goddamn seven years of it. "That's what I get" by Nine Inch Nails, by the way. S'what I'm listening to at the mome. I just don't know what to do. Not even that. I just don't know. Fuck, I don't even make sense to myself anymore. Like I said, I'm just flipping the fuck out. Tonight is a strange night, because nothing is making sense. None of this is making sense at all.
Talk about a cry for help. Then again, I don't think too many things can help the situation anymore. I think she's passed the point of no return. That's the most miserable feeling ever. I blew my chances. Gah. What kind of jackass has two thumbs and can fuck up all this potential? This guy. How ya doin'?
Pfaw. Man, what am I even doing? I've absolutely massacred school - I should've Goddamn been done four fucking years ago. God damnit, I want to do something. I'm so desperately in need of a miracle. I have such a drive when I'm down, but what good is drive when you're shackled? I feel like my life can go in one of two ways - I can stop right here, stand the fuck up, and start punching my way out of this coffin. Or, I can rot here. Boy, what a choice. What does that even mean? God, I don't even know what I'm talking about.
I started working out heavily again last night - Why, I have no fucking clue. But I have. Bahahahaha! "Eye of the Tiger" just came on my playlist. Now that is funny shit. That's gonna be my workout music for her. Anyway.
I guess I'm just in a spot. All of my engines are running on fumes, and it's freaking me out. As I unravel more and more about my lady's life away from me, the more I feel like I should let her go do her thing. Of course, that's the last thing I want to do, but I don't feel like she wants to be with me anymore. Not that I blame her. Man, I wish I could go back. I need to go back and change things. I need to be able to rescue us - Not even her anymore, but us. I need to rescue what's left of us. I had a dream the other night that she cheated on me. I could see her in a bed with another man, and I just knew what had happened. Man, that didn't even actually happen, and it killed me. I'm daydreaming things, and it's getting to me. Quaint, huh? Maybe it wasn't a dream so much as a daydream, but I had this distinct feeling that something awful had happened. And I think I dreamed it last night too. I don't know how to fix this. God, I don't even know if I can fix this. What's there to fix anymore? What if she does leave me? Ugh, what the balls. This is insane. I'm not even sure what I'm writing anymore.
Anyway, if I had any tears left in me, I'm sure I would still be crying as I write this, but they just won't come. Man, this is the biggest rambling pile of shit I think I've ever written. And for that, I apologize.
Anyway, it's her birthday today. And I'm unable to do anything for her. I can't buy her anything, but more importantly, I can't make her anything. Hell, I can't offer her anything - Hell, I'd leave me too if I were her. What do I have to offer her? She's probably found someone else back there anyway. I can't really blame her, though. I've neglected everything I promised never to neglect. God damnit, as I look back, I think I may just have become that failure that I promised myself so many years ago that I would never become. I'm out of creation juice, or something. I just can't do it. I can't write poetry anymore, it just sticks in the back of my head. I can't send her cards or anything, I can't even write much to her. Ahahaha, listen to me, the Doomsday prophet. I bet this is all up in my head. Then agian, I don't flip out like this over "nothing". I guess I was just too little too late. Story of my life, right? I'll talk to her soon enough. We'll talk then, and see where we're at. Ugh. This is fucking nuts. I'm sorry. I'll write more later.
Maybe I'll make some sense another time. But until then, make love, not sandwiches. Much love,
~ø
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment