Quite Exhausted.

Hey, good morning! Guess what I stayed up all night doing? S'right, having one gigantic panic attack. My limbs didn't even work after a point. Dizziness, nosebleeds, numb appendages, the whole nine. Have you ever been so sure of something that it was ingrained into your very lifeblood? And have you ever had that something prove you horribly and miserably wrong? Perhaps I should elaborate. There are times in life when you put all of your eggs in a single basket, trusting in fate to preserve those eggs for you. You make certain that all of those eggs are well-placed and perfectly colored, and you make damn sure that the basket they're in is sturdy enough to hold them all at once. And let's say you leave your basket full of eggs unattended for a while - Say a year, year and a half. And you come back, only to find your eggs thrown into the walls, shattered everywhere, but more than that - That the basket is gone, nowhere to be found. Heartbroken and confused, you attempt with all your might to get those eggs put back together, and with enough time and dedication, you might just do so. And Hell, let's say your basket didn't make it too far. Let's say it was just tossed haphazardly into the neighbor's yard. Welcome to my world, circa May 2008. My eggs are broken, and my basket is in the neighbor's yard. Sure, I shouldn't have left the basket unattended, but I did. And now I've got to clean up the egg that's all over my back yard. And Hell, I've got more eggs, and I love that basket - I would put the eggs in the basket any day. But how much do you lament leaving the eggs unattended? What if the basket is long gone from my sights by the time I return? What can I do to rectify a situation like that? How many ways are there to get a basket? One? What if the basket doesn't want to come back?

What a metaphor. Did not think I had that in me. Back to reality, though. I always thought there would be time to fix things. When did I run out of time? When did the commodity of time run out on me? I realized - perhaps too late, perhaps just in time - That something was horrendously wrong. Well, I realized it far, far too late. This was not a part of the plan - This was supposed to be forever. I hate being one of those idiots standing in the middle of the field, going, "What the Hell happened?", but here I am, wondering just the same. I never thought it would come down to this, this wasn't an option. This was the only sure thing that I've ever known. We were more devoted than the most devoted, and it still falls apart? She was my rock and my pillar - Everything I ever wanted or needed, and God Damn if I didn't think she felt the same way from time to time. I think that's the hardest part for me to swallow, the "Wait, when did you stop loving me?" part. Good God.

I've put (What I thought was) so damn much into things, how can it still not work? Did I need to do more? I think I did. I know I did. But I didn't even know. Did I? where did I fall apart? I did so well for such a long time, and it just... evaporated. The feelings certainly didn't, not on my end, but God Damnit, how could I be so neglectful? What happened to me? Why couldn't I have just been a bit more attentive? Change? What the fuck is change? People grow apart, right. I'm sure they do. That doesn't happen to me, though. It couldn't have happened to me. What is this situation? No warning? Sure, yeah, plenty of warning, but God. I make mistakes, right? Just because I'm this guy doesn't mean that I can't make any mistakes. I made a mistake. And yeah, a big one, but need I be punished for my entire life because of it? Everything I've worked for, just gone? Yet another rug out from under me? So she says "don't feel like I'm abandoning you," Well, if it quacks like a duck and walks like a duck, and looks like a duck, it's a fucking duck. I guess she felt like I was abandoning her too. But I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry it came to this. I'm sorry I forced it to come to this. Anyway, a Song;

Love Soon, by John Mayer

I know you've been sworn
I read your complaint
you're needing someone older

and though i've been warned
to live day by day
there's something taking over

did you expect to kiss me one time
while lookin at me with the same eyes ever again

so come on and face it
so come on and face it
it's time that we say it

you can cross the line whenever you want to
i'm calling it love soon
close your mind and waste some time if you have to
i'm calling it love soon
it's not about you now, it's what we are

your mother complains that you need a man
you haven't mentioned me yet
and all of your friends
don't know who i am
i've been your best kept secret

i understand i wasn't part of the plan
a dollar short, a minute early
but i am your man
so come on and face it
so come on and face it

it's time that we say it
you can cross the line whenever you want to
i'm calling it love soon
close your mind and waste some time if you have to
i'm calling it love soon
it's not about you now, it's what we are

let's bypass the bullshit
and move on because the minute hand moves faster than you think it does
and by no fault of yours, and by no fault of mine
the bottom line is laying in the bed that we've been playing in tonight
we've been playing in tonight

i'm calling it love soon
i'm calling it love soon
you can cross the line whenever you want to
i'm calling it love soon
close your mind and waste some time if you have to
i'm calling it love soon
it's not about you now, it's what we are