What the Flapjack-Fucking Christ.

Holy popsicling Jesus, guys. I am sorry as Hell for these last posts. Not that it affects you, but like I said before - tripe on the highest level. Like, that's seriously how I was feeling and all, but Good God, what a douche I was. Let's try this again. Hi there! I'm anonymous. Wooo, go me. Eh, I've blogged enough tonight. Let's try this again some other time. As an aside, though - I still find it terrifying and amazing that the emotional trauma from this breakup was so great, that it manifested in physical ailments before the damn thing even happened. Like, we weren't even broken up, and the emotional trauma from the breakup sent me into a frenzy. I'm slightly unhinged, I think. Ah, well. <3

~ø

Ah, Nothingspace.

My home away from home. I missed you. Gonna do some anony-blogging tonight! Can't say this anywhere else, so I'll say it here.

So, it's over. I finally fucked it up just enough. And boy, is that a lesson in rhythm management. I don't know how to feel. On the one hand, I want to flip the fuck out. On the other hand, I want to be calm. On a third hand, I want to abandon every last one of my morals and just go fuck anything that moves. I'll take up drinking too. No reason not to now. But see, I *have* to abandon my morals now. No two ways about it - my morals are worth shit. I can't be the man that I want to be, ever, I've been forced away. I can't be in love just once, I have to force myself back into the dating scene, I have to force myself to tolerate some stupid skank. I don't think I can. And she knows it's right. Uh-huh. Fuck what I think, what I think isn't important. It's all about everyone else. Just like always. Some things never change. Other things always change.

But she's happy. So whatever. I can't say what I really feel. For her sake, I'll turn in on myself, and we'll see what happens there. I hope to God it doesn't kill me. I don't want to let her down, but I can only take so much, y'know? Like, at this point, I'm teetering between living a sub-par life and death. Not via depression, but just because I can't live the life that I want to live. It's become impossible. But I don't want to let everyone down. I almost feel like I have to stay alive for something. I don't know. If she gave up, maybe it's time for me to give up too. I don't think I can live in a world where I can't live my life. Maybe my ideals are indeed more important than my happiness. Whatever, here I am again. Mid-20s, and nothing to offer. Yep, I'm a catch. Fuck you, world. Fuck you again.

I don't even want kids. I don't want this shit to continue. The line has to stop with me.

Fuck me, I'm all out of enemies.

Too Many Songs to Post!

I'll just leave it at this. Running Away is perhaps most appropriate anyway.

Running Away? I hope not.

I don't want you to give it all up
And leave your old life collecting dust
And I don't want you to feel sorry for me
You never gave us a chance to be

And I don't need you to be by my side
To tell me that everything's alright
I just wanted you to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you

[Chorus]
So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?

Did I do enough to show you that I
Was willing to give and sacrifice?
But I was the one, who was lifting you up
When you thought your life had had enough

Now when I get close you turn away?
There's nothing that I can do or say?
So now I need you to tell me the truth
You know I'd do that for you

[Chorus]
So why are you running away?
Why are you running away?

Is it me, is it you? (is it me, is it you?)
Nothing that I can do? (nothing that I can do?)
To make you change your mind? (to make you)

Is it me, is it you? (so why do - you run - away)
Nothing that I can do? (won’t you tell me)
Is it a waste of time? (why do - you run - away)

Is it me, is it you?
Nothing that I can do?
To make you change your mind?

[Chorus]
So why are you running away?
Why are you running away? (what is it I have to say?)

[Chorus]
So why are you running away? (to make you admit, you're afraid?)
Why are you running away?

Quite Exhausted.

Hey, good morning! Guess what I stayed up all night doing? S'right, having one gigantic panic attack. My limbs didn't even work after a point. Dizziness, nosebleeds, numb appendages, the whole nine. Have you ever been so sure of something that it was ingrained into your very lifeblood? And have you ever had that something prove you horribly and miserably wrong? Perhaps I should elaborate. There are times in life when you put all of your eggs in a single basket, trusting in fate to preserve those eggs for you. You make certain that all of those eggs are well-placed and perfectly colored, and you make damn sure that the basket they're in is sturdy enough to hold them all at once. And let's say you leave your basket full of eggs unattended for a while - Say a year, year and a half. And you come back, only to find your eggs thrown into the walls, shattered everywhere, but more than that - That the basket is gone, nowhere to be found. Heartbroken and confused, you attempt with all your might to get those eggs put back together, and with enough time and dedication, you might just do so. And Hell, let's say your basket didn't make it too far. Let's say it was just tossed haphazardly into the neighbor's yard. Welcome to my world, circa May 2008. My eggs are broken, and my basket is in the neighbor's yard. Sure, I shouldn't have left the basket unattended, but I did. And now I've got to clean up the egg that's all over my back yard. And Hell, I've got more eggs, and I love that basket - I would put the eggs in the basket any day. But how much do you lament leaving the eggs unattended? What if the basket is long gone from my sights by the time I return? What can I do to rectify a situation like that? How many ways are there to get a basket? One? What if the basket doesn't want to come back?

What a metaphor. Did not think I had that in me. Back to reality, though. I always thought there would be time to fix things. When did I run out of time? When did the commodity of time run out on me? I realized - perhaps too late, perhaps just in time - That something was horrendously wrong. Well, I realized it far, far too late. This was not a part of the plan - This was supposed to be forever. I hate being one of those idiots standing in the middle of the field, going, "What the Hell happened?", but here I am, wondering just the same. I never thought it would come down to this, this wasn't an option. This was the only sure thing that I've ever known. We were more devoted than the most devoted, and it still falls apart? She was my rock and my pillar - Everything I ever wanted or needed, and God Damn if I didn't think she felt the same way from time to time. I think that's the hardest part for me to swallow, the "Wait, when did you stop loving me?" part. Good God.

I've put (What I thought was) so damn much into things, how can it still not work? Did I need to do more? I think I did. I know I did. But I didn't even know. Did I? where did I fall apart? I did so well for such a long time, and it just... evaporated. The feelings certainly didn't, not on my end, but God Damnit, how could I be so neglectful? What happened to me? Why couldn't I have just been a bit more attentive? Change? What the fuck is change? People grow apart, right. I'm sure they do. That doesn't happen to me, though. It couldn't have happened to me. What is this situation? No warning? Sure, yeah, plenty of warning, but God. I make mistakes, right? Just because I'm this guy doesn't mean that I can't make any mistakes. I made a mistake. And yeah, a big one, but need I be punished for my entire life because of it? Everything I've worked for, just gone? Yet another rug out from under me? So she says "don't feel like I'm abandoning you," Well, if it quacks like a duck and walks like a duck, and looks like a duck, it's a fucking duck. I guess she felt like I was abandoning her too. But I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry it came to this. I'm sorry I forced it to come to this. Anyway, a Song;

Love Soon, by John Mayer

I know you've been sworn
I read your complaint
you're needing someone older

and though i've been warned
to live day by day
there's something taking over

did you expect to kiss me one time
while lookin at me with the same eyes ever again

so come on and face it
so come on and face it
it's time that we say it

you can cross the line whenever you want to
i'm calling it love soon
close your mind and waste some time if you have to
i'm calling it love soon
it's not about you now, it's what we are

your mother complains that you need a man
you haven't mentioned me yet
and all of your friends
don't know who i am
i've been your best kept secret

i understand i wasn't part of the plan
a dollar short, a minute early
but i am your man
so come on and face it
so come on and face it

it's time that we say it
you can cross the line whenever you want to
i'm calling it love soon
close your mind and waste some time if you have to
i'm calling it love soon
it's not about you now, it's what we are

let's bypass the bullshit
and move on because the minute hand moves faster than you think it does
and by no fault of yours, and by no fault of mine
the bottom line is laying in the bed that we've been playing in tonight
we've been playing in tonight

i'm calling it love soon
i'm calling it love soon
you can cross the line whenever you want to
i'm calling it love soon
close your mind and waste some time if you have to
i'm calling it love soon
it's not about you now, it's what we are

99 Problems, and yep, it just might be one.

Hey, all. First off, I apologize for last night. But I've been having panic attacks all day today. They've been horrendous. My stomach has been imploding on me all day, and I'm not sure why. All over a photo? Jesus. Every time I look at her picture today, I get this feeling of impending disaster - I don't know what it is. But something is wrong, and I'm not going to be okay until she calls me, I don't think. Man, my heart hurts tonight. Like, it literally hurts. I think I'ma go lay down, see if I can get some rest.

~ø

Failings of a Misshapen Life or "No, officer. I certainly did not order the filet mignon - God bestowed it upon me in a dream."

Preface: I apologize in advance. This is fucking tripe on the highest level. Usually, these are introspective and quite insightful, but tonight, it's just a rant. In all honesty, no one's supposed to see this. So if anything, count yourself one of the lucky few that gets to sit through my insane ramblings. One should be so privileged, right?

Oh, Christ. What an existence I lead. There are really few things that can keep me grounded anymore - I'm sitting here, freaking the fuck out for no reason. Well, almost no reason. And, in all honesty, there's only one thing keeping me even remotely grounded. I saw a picture of my lady tonight, and it absolutely took my breath away. Not necessarily in the good way, since as I stare at it, I feel like a knife just turned in my chest. I literally had to sit here, clutching my chest - in tears no less - just to breathe. I'm still feeling the after-effects now. Oh, God. I feel like my very lucidity these days has been raped from me. I... I can't even think straight anymore. I now know what it feels like to go completely fucking insane, because I'm well on my way. God, I've missed the good - Nay, the best - Years of my life. And I'm holding everyone I love back - Mostly, her. Hell, I've made her miss the best years of her life too. I guess more importantly, I've made us miss the best years of our life. My God, this is horrendous. I've never felt such despair before. I'm not usually prone to this, but the last fifteen months have been this never-ending uphill struggle, where the next plateau is at a greater incline than the last. I am fiercely fighting with my very essence to regain some control over my life. But as an aeroplane spiraling out of control, each moment the plane starts to spin, the more difficult it is to recover.

I don't even know what my problem is - this is all completely insane for me to think on. I'm flipping the fuck out, slowly or quickly; it doesn't even matter anymore. Reminds me of a song. "Just when everything was making sense, you took away all my self-confidence. Now all that I've been hearing must be true. I guess I'm not the only boy for you. But that's what I get." Right? I had my fucking chance, and I blew Goddamn seven years of it. "That's what I get" by Nine Inch Nails, by the way. S'what I'm listening to at the mome. I just don't know what to do. Not even that. I just don't know. Fuck, I don't even make sense to myself anymore. Like I said, I'm just flipping the fuck out. Tonight is a strange night, because nothing is making sense. None of this is making sense at all.

Talk about a cry for help. Then again, I don't think too many things can help the situation anymore. I think she's passed the point of no return. That's the most miserable feeling ever. I blew my chances. Gah. What kind of jackass has two thumbs and can fuck up all this potential? This guy. How ya doin'?

Pfaw. Man, what am I even doing? I've absolutely massacred school - I should've Goddamn been done four fucking years ago. God damnit, I want to do something. I'm so desperately in need of a miracle. I have such a drive when I'm down, but what good is drive when you're shackled? I feel like my life can go in one of two ways - I can stop right here, stand the fuck up, and start punching my way out of this coffin. Or, I can rot here. Boy, what a choice. What does that even mean? God, I don't even know what I'm talking about.

I started working out heavily again last night - Why, I have no fucking clue. But I have. Bahahahaha! "Eye of the Tiger" just came on my playlist. Now that is funny shit. That's gonna be my workout music for her. Anyway.

I guess I'm just in a spot. All of my engines are running on fumes, and it's freaking me out. As I unravel more and more about my lady's life away from me, the more I feel like I should let her go do her thing. Of course, that's the last thing I want to do, but I don't feel like she wants to be with me anymore. Not that I blame her. Man, I wish I could go back. I need to go back and change things. I need to be able to rescue us - Not even her anymore, but us. I need to rescue what's left of us. I had a dream the other night that she cheated on me. I could see her in a bed with another man, and I just knew what had happened. Man, that didn't even actually happen, and it killed me. I'm daydreaming things, and it's getting to me. Quaint, huh? Maybe it wasn't a dream so much as a daydream, but I had this distinct feeling that something awful had happened. And I think I dreamed it last night too. I don't know how to fix this. God, I don't even know if I can fix this. What's there to fix anymore? What if she does leave me? Ugh, what the balls. This is insane. I'm not even sure what I'm writing anymore.

Anyway, if I had any tears left in me, I'm sure I would still be crying as I write this, but they just won't come. Man, this is the biggest rambling pile of shit I think I've ever written. And for that, I apologize.

Anyway, it's her birthday today. And I'm unable to do anything for her. I can't buy her anything, but more importantly, I can't make her anything. Hell, I can't offer her anything - Hell, I'd leave me too if I were her. What do I have to offer her? She's probably found someone else back there anyway. I can't really blame her, though. I've neglected everything I promised never to neglect. God damnit, as I look back, I think I may just have become that failure that I promised myself so many years ago that I would never become. I'm out of creation juice, or something. I just can't do it. I can't write poetry anymore, it just sticks in the back of my head. I can't send her cards or anything, I can't even write much to her. Ahahaha, listen to me, the Doomsday prophet. I bet this is all up in my head. Then agian, I don't flip out like this over "nothing". I guess I was just too little too late. Story of my life, right? I'll talk to her soon enough. We'll talk then, and see where we're at. Ugh. This is fucking nuts. I'm sorry. I'll write more later.

Maybe I'll make some sense another time. But until then, make love, not sandwiches. Much love,

~ø